


You Were Never On Your Own

by wlwpeggycarter



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Fluff, Internalized Hate, Strangers to Friends, there isn't much to tag tbh its like 3k
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 22:56:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5023804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wlwpeggycarter/pseuds/wlwpeggycarter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a small fic for ace 1d week, featuring harry and louis as ace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Were Never On Your Own

**Author's Note:**

> so this may seem kind of rushed but i just wanted to submit something cute for ace week i hope everyone likes it, and please tell me if you see any errors. 
> 
> comments are kudos are appreciated thank you <3

Harry felt alone, and broken. He felt like their was a piece of him missing, a crucial piece at that. He felt disconnected from everyone, like he didn’t quite fit in with everyone, but he could pass by with a few choice words. He felt like if he told someone what was going on in his head, about what he was feeling, they would laugh at him and tell him he was crazy, and that he just had to ‘get out more.’ So Harry didn’t tell anyone, and it was honestly taking a toll on him. He couldn’t keep this big secret from everyone any longer, but he had to.  

 

When everyone was talking about people’s bodies, Harry didn’t notice it until someone pointed it out. He could go all day and not comment on Stacy’s breasts, and he would be happy. But the second someone brought up the topic of Stacy’s boobs, he felt like he was going to explode. His chest got tight, and his hands started to shake. His mind turned into a screaming mess, saying ‘Get Out, Get Out! It’s not safe here!’ But Harry couldn’t ever leave; he had to keep up appearances. He would nod and hum his approval, and try to zone it out as best he could. It rarely ever worked- his friends were pretty loud.

 

Harry didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up, how much longer he could lie to his friends. He didn’t like lying, but he didn’t think they would react well if he told them how he was feeling. They would say things like, ‘That’s strange, Harry. Are you alright?’ ‘Maybe you’re gay, bro. Have you talked to Tom?’ ‘Has someone hurt you, do you need to go to the doctor?’ Just thinking about it made Harry start to shake, so he didn’t. He couldn’t say anything; he had to keep it to himself.

*** * * ***

_AVEN- The Asexual Visibility & Education Network_

_An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction._

Fuck. There is a read more link, but Harry isn’t ready to click it yet. The words are still bouncing around in his head, _Asexual, doesn’t experience sexual attraction._ This is him, this is who he is. He found something- he found _it._ Harry could cry tears of joy, he is so happy.

 

There are other people like him, other people he could talk to. People who understand him, and wouldn’t say horrible things to him if he told them that this is how he identified. Harry wants to start talking to someone, someone who would calm him down and comfort him while he’s having a mini freak out.

 

He clicks on the _Forum_ link in the upper right hand corner, and he has to take a deep breath before he can look again. He has to make an account to post a topic, so he does that as fast as he can. He wants an answer to his own question, he doesn’t want a half answer anymore.

 

_ Harry94- _

_I’m really new, I just found this site, so I was wondering if anyone could answer a few questions I have? Thank you!_

  1. _does being asexual mean that I can’t be in a relationship? Because I think I’d still like to date someone…_
  2. _whenever my friends bring up sex or talk about other people in sexual ways, I feel really bad, and I start to shake. Is that normal?_
  3. _do I have to tell people that I’m asexual?_



_Thank you so much whoever answers this, I owe you so much!!!_

_ Tommo91- _

_Hi Harry! My name is Louis, and I am asexual as well (obviously but.) I’m so happy that you found this place, it will help you a lot. Now for your questions:_

  1. _Yes, you can still date someone and be asexual! Sexual and Romantic attraction are two different things!_
  2. _Yes, what you are feeling is normal. It’s called ‘sex repulsed asexual’ which means that you are repulsed by the idea of sex, and things that go along with it. That could include sexual videos, pictures, and people talking about sex in general._
  3. _You don’t have to come out to anyone if that’s something you aren’t comfortable with!! Coming out is totally your choice, and you set the time and place. You never have to come out, or you can come out tomorrow. It doesn’t make you any less valid, I promise. Not coming out doesn’t make you any less valid, or any less brave. (you already seem very brave, it took me a while to ask something on here.)_



_If you have any more questions, don’t be afraid to ask again, everyone is very nice and understanding here!_

This _Tommo91_ person did a great job of explaining things to Harry, and Harry thinks he might start crying. He has answers, finally, and he isn’t alone. Thousands of people are online right now helping other people, and so many people are asking questions, probably the same questions he has.  Harry wants to meet _Tommo91_ , and thank them and give them a thousand hugs. They helped Harry so much, and it may not seem like it to a stranger, but those words did help. He’s sure that he will have more questions later, but right now he is fully content to sit here in his happy space and re-read what is on his computer screen. Today has been a good day.

*** * * ***

 

It’s been six months since he last talked to _Tommo91_ , and Harry has not been feeling great. He wakes up every morning, and he doesn’t want to get up. He looks at himself in the mirror, and has to squeeze his eyes closed really tight and reassure himself that he is Valid and Okay. He gets to school and he hears all the sexual things being yelled down the hallway, and he has to duck into the bathroom so he can get himself together before first period. He has to write daily reminders to himself around his room, and sometimes on himself so that he has proof that he is Good. He drew out a tattoo idea, and it was a triangle, but in the middle there was words that told him he was okay. _You are human, you are valid, you are not broken, you are loved._

           

About two months after he found AVEN, the internalized self-hate started to come in. At first he brushed it off, called it an ‘off day’ because everyone has those. But it got worse, and worse. He would hate himself because he was ace, and he hated himself because he couldn’t be normal. He hated that no one would ever want to date him, that once they found out he didn’t want sex, they would leave him.

 

Society has also told him, has ingrained it in his brain, that he is nothing without sex. No one could love him, he isn’t normal or he’s broken. He should go to the doctor because their must be something wrong with his hormones. Society has told him that sex is Everything, and without it he is Nothing. (logically he knows he is not nothing. He knows he has value, and he knows people love him. But he can’t believe it anymore. All he believes is this self-hate that has taken over, and he doesn’t know how long it’s going to stay.)

 

He calls them ‘Bad Ace Days’.

 

* * * *            

 

Harry doesn’t think it could have happened better way, honestly.

 

He was walking to third period, and he couldn’t focus on anything and his vision kept getting foggy because it was a Bad Ace Day, so he wasn’t really paying attention. He felt like crying, and then talking a long nap.

 

He kept his head down, and when he went to turn the corner, he bumped into someone and knocked all their books out of their hands. Fuck, Harry couldn’t do anything right, could he? He felt the tears coming now, so he knew he had to get away fast.

 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. Let me help you.” His voice broke in the middle of the sentence, and he knew that the person knew because they looked up at him, and stopped touching their books.

 

“Hey, babe. It’s no big deal, yeah? No need to get upset. Promise.” Their voice is so soft and gentle, and Harry has to look up as well.

 

This boy is incredibly pretty, his hair is a light brown and it goes across his forehead. Harry want’s to touch it, and run his fingers through it, but that seems really forward. He has glasses, and they look like they are about to slip off his nose. His nose is cute, it’s small. His eyes are really blue too, like a ‘wow this is unnatural’ type of blue.

 

“Hey, I’m Louis. Tomlinson.” The boy, _Louis_ , puts his hand out for a handshake, but Harry is just staring at his hand. Louis is wearing a black ring, a black ring on his right hand, holy fuck Harry thinks Louis is ace.

 

“Hi. I’m Harry Styles. Can I um, ask you a question?”

 

“Yeah, go for it.” By now the bell had already rung, and the hallway was empty, so they moved to the corner so they were hidden from teachers who decided to start walking around.

 

“I was wondering, if you were, um. Your ring, it’s the –” Harry is too nervous to ask a question about a ring, how is he supposed to have a conversation about being ace? Fuck.

 

“Yeah, I’m ace. Are you?” He looks hopeful, like he hasn’t ever _really_ talked to an ace person before, and Harry can relate.

 

“Yes, yeah I am. Where did you get your ring? I keep looking but I can never find one.” Harry has so many questions, and so many things he wants to talk about, but this seems like a good place to start.

 

“Amazon. It was like five dollars.” He takes it off his finger, and holds it out to Harry. “Do you want to put it on?”

 

Harry is stuck, but it’s a good kind of stuck. He is shocked that Louis would let him wear his ace ring, but he is so grateful. “Yeah, fuck- thank you.”

 

Harry tries to put it on his middle finger, but it doesn’t fit. He looks at Louis’ hands again, and he wants to laugh. Of course his ring wouldn’t fit, Harry’s hand could swallow Louis’ hand (if that was possible). Harry laughs at the mental image, and hands the ring back to Louis with a smile. “Thank you, but it doesn’t seem to fit.”

 

Louis laughs too, and he takes his ring back. He looks relieved to have it back on though, like taking off had been hard for him, like a piece was missing when he didn’t have it on. Harry thinks he understands.

 

“Hey Harry, did you want to talk sometime? Because I’ve never met another ace person, like in real life, and like-”

 

“Louis, yeah that would he amazing. When is a good time for you?”

 

“After school today? I’m sorry is that’s too fast, its just that I’ve never had the chance to talk to anyone who could relate.”

 

“I get it, it’s okay. I can do after school.”

 

“Great, meet me at the library. See you later!”

 

He runs down the hallway, probably to his next class, but Harry doesn’t want to rush. He wants to soak in this feeling. He’s going to be able to talk to Louis about what he’s feeling, how nothing makes sense to him anymore, and maybe about his internalized hate. Louis seems like the person who could understand, and maybe he already went through it- or is going through it. Harry doesn’t want to imagine beautiful, kind Louis hating himself. He doesn’t deserve that.

 

(He ends up getting a detention, on a Friday, but he doesn’t care. The world could explode right after he’s done talking to Louis, and he wouldn’t care. He just needs to talk to someone.)

 

* * * *

 

They meet at the library, and then they both walk to the park right across the street from their school.  


“So, Harry Styles, when did you find out you were ace?”

 

Right to it then, okay. “Um, like six months ago. It’s still really new. You?”

 

“About a year ago, maybe a little more. It’s been a crazy time. I’m assuming you found out through AVEN?”

 

“Yeah, that website has helped me so much. It’s weird, how people on the internet make me feel safer and more loved than my friends I’ve had since fourth grade, you know?”

 

“I get it. I think it’s because, like they know what it feels like? They get what it means, and they know what is okay to say and what’s not okay. And I think they know that it’s not always going to be easy, you know? Like, sexuality is a hard thing. Some people figure it out, and that’s that. But others need more time, a lot more time, and that’s okay. I think people on the internet are going to be more open because it’s easier to talk to people who understand what you are going through, so you’ll all come together and stick with each other. It’s like, a community, one that loves you a lot. At least, that’s been my experience.” Louis is blushing, and he looks kind of embarrassed. Harry wants to cry again because he found someone who gets him, and he didn’t even have to fly across the world to meet them in person. “Sorry, that might not have made sense.”

 

“No, I understand. I feel the same way.”

 

They talk about being ace and how its changed how they view the world, how angry it makes them when people say that ‘A’ is for ‘Ally’,and how some people feel the need to make everything sexual.

(“Okay, so I was on tumblr yesterday, and you’ll never guess what I saw.” “Tell me. I’m dying to know.” “There was a drawing, right, and someone sexualized plants. Lou, they were plants! Why would they need to do that?” They start to giggle after that and it’s okay. Harry feels alright for a second, and he wants to keep this feeling in a bottle so he can open it when he is having a Bad Ace Day. He just wants to keep this feeling.)

 

* * * *

 

They grow closer, and it gets better. It’s been a few months since they talked at the park, and Harry feels himself slowly getting better. It isn’t going to happen in the blink of an eye, he knows that and Louis knows that, but Harry is making progress. He doesn’t have to write as many ace things on his body, or leave as many sticky notes around his room. He put the tattoo idea on the inside of his dresser so every morning he can look at it, and sees that he is Great. It’s getting better.

 

Harry told Louis about his internalized self-hate a while ago, and Louis has been great with helping him. He sends him texts every morning with ace jokes, screenshots about weird things he sees online do, or things telling him that he is valid. Harry couldn’t ask for a better best friend.

 

They have plans to hang out today, but Harry is having another Bad Ace Day, so he knows he isn’t going to be much fun with Louis tonight. He still goes, because he knows Louis will understand, and that he wouldn’t ever judge him or make him feel bad about it, but Harry still feels crappy that he can’t be more fun.

 

“Hey Lou!” He tries to close the door quietly, but it always slams shut no matter how hard he tries.

 

“Harry, I’m up in my room! Grab us some snacks, yeah?”

 

Harry just wants to cuddle with Louis and sleep, but he goes to the cabinet and grabs the chips Louis likes, and water bottles.

 

When he opens the door to Louis’ room, he sees that Louis has his schoolwork laid out all over his bead. “Lou, are you busy? I can go home-”

 

“No, I stopped doing that a while ago. Come on, let’s cuddle.”

 

Harry wraps himself around Louis, and he pulls the blankets up to his chin, and he hides under them for a minute before he says, “Thank you. For everything.”

 

“It’s no big deal. This is what friends are for, yeah?”

 

It’s quiet for a while, until Louis pulls out his laptop and says, “When I am having bad days, I like to go on AVEN and help people. Want to try it?”

 

“Yes, lets to do it.” Louis always has the best ideas, Harry thinks, and he is kind of jealous.

 

Louis logs into his account, and Harry looses his breath. “Lou, what’s your account name?” Fuck, this is so ironic, Harry can’t believe it.

 

“ _Tommo91_ , why? Is it a bad one? I thought it was good.” Louis looks like he might actually be a little hurt, so Harry is quick to correct him.

 

“No, its good, that’s not what I meant. It’s just, I put a question up a while ago, and you answered it, but I didn’t know you at the time. And it made me really happy, and I used to read it every morning.”

 

“Fuck, Harry that’s wild. I’m so happy I could help you though. What are the chances that we would go to the same school, and run into each other? This is going to be a great story for the kids that I’m not going to have.”

 

Harry laughs, a genuine laugh, and it makes Louis laugh. “This is weird. But a good weird. Let’s talk to some people, come on.”

 

So they do, they answer so many people and they get so many ‘thank you’ back. Harry can’t believe that Louis was the person who answered him, of all the people. He can’t believe that he ran into Louis and knocked all his books over. He can’t believe that Louis is his best friend, and has been so helpful to Harry in so many ways. Harry knows that he couldn’t have gotten a better story to tell people when he is ready; he can’t believe he is lucky enough to have all this happen to him.

 

It’s not a perfect day, but it definitely isn’t a horrible day anymore. Harry knows he can do this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
